Letter #29

Dear A.,

Hi again, I never thought I’d be writing another letter to you,  but this one will truly close whatever we’ve had and forgotten in memory.

I wrote and sent you a ‘Happy Birthday’ message on your birthday last year… a few months after you vanished from contact with me out of no apparent reason. Yes, I still remember your birthday even now, I don’t know why. Anyway, I was surprised that you replied, and somehow I managed to coax you into unblocking me from MSN. You were online the next day when I logged on… I always knew that you were blocking me since you’re practically on that thing 24/7.

We spoke, but it was weird. That connection we had was gone. Even our message conversations on the website was weird. You said that you’ve always had the intention of contacting me again, but didn’t know when the appropriate time was and you didn’t know how I would react. But, after a few days of akwardness, I managed to get the answer I’ve always yearned for, why you dumped men — you chickened out. Really bad.

The conversation mostly died after that, and a couple of days later I find you blocking me on MSN again. It’s okay now though, I had closure and I could move on.

In a couple of months’ time, it will be a year to that fateful day when I took all I had and flew over to see you, but you never showed up and didn’t answer my calls. Once in awhile, I would still visit your page, and see how you’re doing. I still care for you, in some way. The sad thing is that I see that you haven’t really changed. You’re still depressive and negative in many ways, and I haven’t seen any effort on your part to try to improve yourself or your relationships. You’re still the same ‘ol A.

Many things have happened and I’ve been through two relationships since then. I’m tired of searching for the right person for myself, and every time these relationships would end because they weren’t in it for the long run. I’ve made a lot of growing up too, and right now, I am generally very satisfied with myself.

Through all this, I’ve found a better, improved, and wiser form of myself. If I have to go through many hardships to find self-worth and knowledge, then I shall let it be.

Sincerely,

The Girl.

Letter #28

Dear A.,

The past few days have been rough and I feel foolish. Foolish for investing so much emotions in you and foolish for still hanging on to them. I just can't forget this so soon. I just don't understand why you refuse to talk to me or even give me a proper goodbye. Thanks for blocking me on msn. I found your new profile. You have new friends now. I wonder if you've blocked the other two girls you were close with too. I won't add you anymore, because you obviously want a fresh start and if you wanted me in your list you would have searched for me and re-added me. It's a little painful to know that you're online now, but that you're blocking me on msn so I can't speak to you. I've been suffering from depression. I think I just need that last message from you – a personal one – to just tell me why you're doing this and to say goodbye. I still feel like there's this hanging discomfort and confusion around the situation. I need closure. Pain. Pain. Pain.

Knife-in-heart,

The Girl. 

Letter #27

Dear A.,

Since you didn't show up I flew home today. I still don't know why you did this to me. Goodbye.

I don't know what to feel anymore,

The Girl. 

Letter #26

Dear A.,

I'm finally in your state, and I was so excited! I <i>was</i> excited, because you never picked up your phone when I called you. You didn't reply my text messages either. I thought it was because your had just got your phone after months of being without one, so you're not used to checking your phone every day. When I did text you in the past, you took about a day or two to reply, so I'm hoping this is the case and you will check your phone one of these days and call me.

On the other hand, I know you had sent a bulletin to your online friends a couple of days before I left my city, saying that you're sick of all this online crap, and you said goodbye to everyone, not to be seen online again. I didn't think much of it, because I thought we were closer than that, and you had agreed to spend a lot of time with me when I arrived, so I didn't think that bulletin applied to me. Well, does it actually?

At the moment, I'm in limbo. I'm not sure if you're actually ignoring and avoiding me or if you're just not checking your phone and have forgotten about me. In the many months that we've spoken, I believe you're not the type of guy to leave a girl hanging like that. I know you have a good head on your shoulders. I know you're more of a gentleman. I know we are much closer than that. What happened to everything we've talked about for over seven months? Even though we haven't actually met in person, we do have a good history, don't we? I believed that we'ved shared something.

I'm not in denial… I'm more in disbelief. It's not like you to do this, which is why I am still so confused about this and have mixed feelings about me not being able to contact you. I am dissapointed, angry, sad, lonely, heartbroken, confused, and worried.

Out of all this, I am still trying to enjoy myself here in a new big city. I was also supposed to be here to enjoy myself and have a good break from my studies. I don't want to waste my money flying all the way here, y'know. I'm living with these two 60-year olds that are family friends but whom I've never met before, so I'm really bored. I don't want to waste my two weeks here doing nothing. I need to meet and interact with young people, and check out the nightlife. But, the only person I really want to meet isn't answering my calls and smses. It's painful.

So I guess I'm just another online friend, huh? I'm not only back to square one, I'm beyond it. It's like the past months of knowing you and spending all the late nights with you have been an entire waste. Why?

Heartbroken,
The Girl.

Letter #25

Dear A.,

It's been a long time since I've written to you, but good thing we still communicate with every other day. I think it's good to see how things have changed and to keep things in perpective.

Well, first of all, I am EXTREMELY EXCITED about meeting you in a couple of weeks! I can't believe this myself. After pining so much to meet you, I finally took the chance at the first opportunity I saw and bought that non-refundable flight ticket! I really hope we will spend as much time as possible together when I'm there. I want you to hold me hand like you said you would, and I want to feel what a real kiss is like from you. I'm trying to get you a backstage pass for the band that you're the biggest fan of ever, and I hope I do get approved for it because I really want to see you happy!

I just can't wait!

Love,
The Girl.

Letter #24

Dear A.,

Hello, baby. It’s been some time since I’ve gone a night without speaking to you, and yes I miss you very, very much tonight. I’m a little sad that you’re going to be away from the Internet for god knows how long. You deserve your break, you need to build your life, and keep up your health. I support you wholeheartedly in all this, but it’s only normal for me to sorely miss you after our many msn marathons.

I care for you so much. I think you know that. And I love you so much, but I am afraid to tell you this. I want to keep things at a logical pace. You’re probably not ready to hear it anyway. But somehow I think, you might know. I believe that when the time comes, you’d know that I love you with all my heart, and I wouldn’t even have to say a word for you to understand.

Since my past letters to you, things have changed so much haven’t they? You now make obvious efforts to keep me happy, and you show that you care too. I’m so grateful to have known you. I’m in love with your soul. Thank you for opening up, thank you for finally receiving me. Let’s take this slowly.

Loving you very very much,

The Girl.

Letter #23

Dear A.,

I can’t bear to be without you any longer too

Love always,

The Girl.

Letter #22

Dear A.,

I just got back from clubbing with my friends. I didn’t drink much, just enough to have a good time. This is so pathetic, I feel so depressed and lonely now. Damn it.

I think one of my newly met male buddies is into me — the way he danced with me and all. He’s alright but not quite my type. I do enjoy the attention and the way men make me feel feminine though. I tried picking up a few guys and getting their numbers, believe it or not, hahah! But througout all this I’ve just been thinking about you. Only you. All this doesn’t matter when I think of you. I will always continue to look forward to the day that I can be in your arms. That one fine day. That one fated day.

I must be crazy, huh?

Madly loving you,

The Girl.

Letter #21

Dear A.,

It’s like we started all over again, isn’t it? But this is a good thing. I feel like the pressure for us to be together has sort of lifted, and we’re taking it as it is. And it feels good this way. But this is all in my mind though, I’m wondering what you’re thinking. I care for you so much though.

Love,

The Girl.

Letter #20

Dear A.,

I know it’s been awhile since I wrote to you, but you know that I’ve been having Internet problems. It’s a good thing that we both still communicate with each other regularly through MSN! So things are getting slightly cleared up between us, and it seems that you still have interest in me, and you even still want to meet me, so I think things are still going alright. Sometimes you can be so sweet and caring. I still like it how you remember our past conversations instead of just forgetting it like other people. I hope you care for me more than I think you do.

You might wonder why I’m still putting so much effort on you. Even though you know you’re good looking, and you know that I know you are, I hope you understand that I’m not just working so hard for you for your looks, love. Your fiery spirit still captivates me every time. I’m like a moth to your flame. I would give anything to touch you. I would to anything for you to embrace me. I want to feel the inferno inside you.

Love,

The Girl.