Letter #26

Dear A.,

I'm finally in your state, and I was so excited! I <i>was</i> excited, because you never picked up your phone when I called you. You didn't reply my text messages either. I thought it was because your had just got your phone after months of being without one, so you're not used to checking your phone every day. When I did text you in the past, you took about a day or two to reply, so I'm hoping this is the case and you will check your phone one of these days and call me.

On the other hand, I know you had sent a bulletin to your online friends a couple of days before I left my city, saying that you're sick of all this online crap, and you said goodbye to everyone, not to be seen online again. I didn't think much of it, because I thought we were closer than that, and you had agreed to spend a lot of time with me when I arrived, so I didn't think that bulletin applied to me. Well, does it actually?

At the moment, I'm in limbo. I'm not sure if you're actually ignoring and avoiding me or if you're just not checking your phone and have forgotten about me. In the many months that we've spoken, I believe you're not the type of guy to leave a girl hanging like that. I know you have a good head on your shoulders. I know you're more of a gentleman. I know we are much closer than that. What happened to everything we've talked about for over seven months? Even though we haven't actually met in person, we do have a good history, don't we? I believed that we'ved shared something.

I'm not in denial… I'm more in disbelief. It's not like you to do this, which is why I am still so confused about this and have mixed feelings about me not being able to contact you. I am dissapointed, angry, sad, lonely, heartbroken, confused, and worried.

Out of all this, I am still trying to enjoy myself here in a new big city. I was also supposed to be here to enjoy myself and have a good break from my studies. I don't want to waste my money flying all the way here, y'know. I'm living with these two 60-year olds that are family friends but whom I've never met before, so I'm really bored. I don't want to waste my two weeks here doing nothing. I need to meet and interact with young people, and check out the nightlife. But, the only person I really want to meet isn't answering my calls and smses. It's painful.

So I guess I'm just another online friend, huh? I'm not only back to square one, I'm beyond it. It's like the past months of knowing you and spending all the late nights with you have been an entire waste. Why?

Heartbroken,
The Girl.

Letter #17

Dear A.,

Today has been confusing. First, I admitted to you that every day I don’t see you online, I’d miss you even more. All you answered was with a laugh. I needed to know how you felt, so I hinted, and you said that you do miss me too, ‘but probably not as much’. Not as much? My heart shattered a little when I read that. But I remained calm and said that I would take anything that I can get. Yeah, looking at it now, I should’ve stepped up a little, but I didn’t want to annoy you.

Next, I found out that you and a friend set me up for a lame joke because you two were bored. I would’ve been cool with the set-up but, you didn’t tell me it was a joke after the whole thing finished. You only revealed it to me when I brought the weird encounter up again today. I trusted you, so I didn’t think you’d be in on the joke as well. And you faked it all. I felt so confused as to why you two would pick me among other people. It was cool that you let me in on your next prank, but I was too confused, frustrated, and somewhat angry about the whole thing, so I didn’t join in.

I would always hear you out and lend an ear for you. So today you shared your story with me — your small problem with a girl you liked that sorta went haywire because of the girl’s obsessiveness. So, with all the stories you’ve shared with me all along, have they always been just because I am a friend who would listen? But I was always hoping because you trusted me and liked me, and in turn confided in me… something that only the both of us shared. Maybe it’s both? I am not too sure right now, my emotions are somewhat clouding my better judgement.

You only give me lukewarm responses, A. Only once in a blue moon would you humor me and say things like you wish I was there with you and all. But that only usually happens when you’re feeling particularly amourous. And still, you only say it after I prompt you to or obviously hint for you to say it.

I feel that whatever flame we might have started in the beginning has begun to burn out and turn to ashes. I am dissapointed. More so, I am sad. I don’t feel your love anymore. I am jealous of the girls that you message to and tell them that you were thinking about them. It bewilders me that they’re all slutty mid-teenagers too. They should go find boys their own age. This just confuses me more.

I have a life outside of thinking of you too, and I certainly feel more love and respect from these boys than I get from you sometimes. They call me up, meet me, and buy me drinks. They tell me I’m beautiful and sexy. And they make the effort of speaking to me by voice chat on msn and put themselves on webcams at my request even though I don’t have a cam and a mic for them to see or hear me. I know I may be starting to sound demanding, but these are just simple things to just keep our friendship (or communication, in the very least) alive. These boys are good for me, but I am still silly enough to be keeping my heart out there for only you.

I know you’ll pull through love, I’m still holding out hope for you. At least I am.

Love,

The Girl.

Letter #15

Dear A.,

It’s been 3 days since I’ve last spoken to you. I’ve been thinking about you non-stop since then, and waiting online anxiously every day for you to show up. I know you go through short phases where you don’t go online, but 3 days seems like eternity to me.

Many thoughts have been going through my mind ever since. I wondered if something was wrong, if you were alright. And if you were, I wondered if you ever thought about me, or even remotely missed me at all. Because I sorely do. You don’t have to make me miss you love, because I constantly do.

On the other hand though, I am quite glad that you’re off in the real world, doing something worthwhile than just sitting in front of the computer every day speaking to me and your friends. I want you to have a life, even if that makes me long for you some more.

You told me the other day that you were kinda thinking of that girl, because she was about to go for an operation. Does your absence have something to do with it? Yes, I know I might still sound jealous. But maybe I am slightly, and worried about your safety and well-being too.

I don’t know what to think now. You still have your head right and not silly enough to entertain a girl that’s interested in you daily, online. I guess I have to learn that from you.

I cannot stop thinking about you though, and wonder where you are. I am worried.

All my love,

The Girl.

Letter #12

Dear A.,

I still cannot believe it… that you sent me those photos. I know I’m not that all innocent and I loved you for sending it, but will you write it off as just something normal a guy would do, or is it something more intimate and exclusive that you’re sharing? I feel it’s the latter, but you still think about the girl you cannot have, and you reply the other girls online in the nice way that you do. I still feel the slight competition here. And I don’t want our friendship to grow into something else because of our topics on having sex and all. I want it to be based on trust and respect, with a great intimate life together.

I know now that you have some sort of interest in me, and I am so excited! I just want to secure the feeling of exclusivity, but maybe that’s asking too much since we’re both still single individuals with the rights and freedom to play the field.

Love,

The Girl

Letter #8

Dear A.,

I suppose you’re more realistic than I am, huh baby? I must learn to take it easy. I must realize that the only relationship we’re having now is an online one. I can never see your face, or touch your skin, or feel your stubbly chin and snuggle up in your sinewy arms. I must realize all this, and take things as they come, and as it is. You’re thousands of miles away from me. I fear that your heart is further.

Our talk today didn’t click as much as it did the few days before did it? I begin to wonder again if I am just disillusioned. That I was just convincing myself that you and I had any remote chance to be together. Maybe I am beginning to put pressure on our friendship, and I’m starting to have expectations out of our conversations. To have each conversation better than the one before. Well, I guess that cannot always happen. We’re all human. There will always be highs and lows to anything I suppose.

Maybe it’s because of this subconscious pressure that you’re pulling away? I admit that I probably overdid some emotional confessions to you just now. That I love it how you get that mood rush and that you share it with me. That I missed talking to you when you’re not around. I’m sorry, it was probably too much to take in a span of a few hours.

I do not like to sound pathetic like this. Maybe even almost desperate. But I find it so hard to find someone like you. The things you do. The things you love.

But what I found bewildering is your responses to me. In the beginning you were distant, but now you’ve warmed up so much, and your replies can be so sweet sometimes. You’re not just playing with me are you? Sending a girl to 7th heaven just for kicks and then just leaving without taking responsibility of it by following up? What’s going on here, really? Sometimes your mixed signals just drives me nuts. I’d like to have some assurance, or some straight answer… good or bad, I just want to know, so I can act on it. I’ve dedicated myself to work for your heart, even though I had second thoughts in the beginning, but I’m not backing out now. So, just let me know what you have in store for me. Am I in or out? I don’t like getting myself all hung up here.

p/s: I get it now, I’ll keep the confessions down in the meantime and i’ll take it easier.

With all my love,

The Girl.

Letter #1

Dear A.,

Why do you make it so hard for me to understand? You say you’re a closed person but you have opened up little by little every time I talk to you, so why do you just shut off sometimes? You’ve shared deep things with me and I know somewhere in your brooding soul you want to share more. Am I still just pretty much a stranger to you?

You’ve shared with me some things you love, but still I feel you holding back. I wished you’d give life a try. I wish you’d give others a try. I wish at least you’d give me a try.

I’m getting mixed signals. I know you hate outside intervention, but all I want is not to change you but to be with you.

Love,

The Girl